A Very Serious Business Strategy, Backed by Zero Science but 100% Experience from Uncle Mike’s
If you’ve ever been in sales, you know the struggle:
Cold calls.
Emails no one reads.
Gatekeepers who guard their bosses like they’re protecting the nuclear codes.
LinkedIn messages that scream, “Hey, Nathan, I noticed we have 1 mutual connection…”
But there is a little-known, extremely powerful, borderline-dangerous secret weapon in the business world:
A Kringle.
If you show up with one of ours in your hands — I don’t care who you’re trying to meet with — doors will open, calendars will clear, and executives who have ignored you for nine months will suddenly remember they’ve “been meaning to talk.”
Here’s the official, satirical, but also kinda-true guide to booking a sales meeting the Uncle Mike’s way.
1. Know Your Audience (Everyone Likes Kringle)
Salespeople usually spend hours researching the decision-maker’s:
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industry
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buying style
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alma mater
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favorite golf course
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alleged personality traits
Turns out none of that matters.
Walk into any office holding a Sea Salt Caramel Pecan Kringle and the receptionist who was trained to say “He’s not available” will suddenly be like:
“Oh! Let me check… I think he might be free.”
Magic.
2. The Confidence Boost You Didn’t Know You Needed
Walking into a cold call empty-handed?
Nerve-wracking.
Walking in with a warm, glossy, perfectly iced Kringle?
You suddenly feel like you’re carrying the Olympic torch.
Trust me — executives can smell confidence.
And butter. Lots of butter.
3. Immediate Gatekeeper Disarmament
Receptionists have seen every trick in the book:
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The fake “I have an appointment” approach
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The “we met once at a conference… maybe” lie
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The “I just need 30 seconds” plea
But they haven’t seen this:
You: “Hi, I’m here to drop off something for your team.”
Gently places Kringle on counter
Receptionist: “…okay, what’s your name again?”
Suddenly they’re on your side.
You are now part of the family.
They will defend you.
They will make things happen.
4. The Executive Senses It
Somehow the scent of a freshly made Kringle bypasses physical barriers.
Even from a closed office four doors down, the executive will stop mid-Zoom and ask:
“Does someone… have a Kringle out there?”
They come wandering out like cartoon characters floating toward a pie on a windowsill.
Once they make eye contact with you holding the pastry, you will hear the magic words:
“Come on in.”
5. You Skip Straight to the “We Like You” Phase
Usually sales relationships start cold and awkward.
But bring a Kringle?
You start at Level 7 on the “I actually want to talk to you” scale.
This is scientifically proven* because:
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People like people who bring food
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Especially good food
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Especially food you can share with the whole office
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Especially when that food is a legendary Wisconsin pastry
*Not scientifically proven at all.
6. Even If They Don’t Buy… They Remember You
Nobody remembers the salesperson who brought a brochure.
Everybody remembers the salesperson who brought a Wisconsin State Pastry.
Months later:
“Oh yeah — the Kringle guy! Bring him in.”
Even if your pitch was mediocre, your pastry was flawless.
And that’s better.
7. The Powerful Meeting Close
After the meeting, you leave the Kringle behind.
And now your pitch keeps working after you’re gone:
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During coffee break: “Who brought this?”
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At 2 p.m. slump: “Honestly, that salesperson had a good idea.”
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During the sugar high: “We should say yes.”
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During the sugar crash: “We need more of these.”
Congratulations.
You’ve built a brand.
And your closing rate just doubled.
Final Takeaway
Cold calling is tough.
Getting meetings is tougher.
Corporate decision-makers can be really tough.
But a Kringle?
A Kringle makes everything easier.
If you want instant meetings, open doors, and executives who suddenly “happen” to have time — just follow the golden rule of business:
Always. Bring. A. Kringle.
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